Staying Present

I’m 2 months and 2 days in. I can’t believe it. I’m coming to the end of 2019, and reflecting on my resolutions from last year. I had several goals I wanted to accomplish…leaving PWC being one of them…but really had no idea that I would be here. I still have panicked thoughts every other day or so about what on earth I’m doing and if this is right for me, but there are SSOOOO many things in my life that make those thoughts disappear. So here I’ll stay, at least until the next wedding (in April) and use that as an opportunity to re-evaluate (at least that’s the plan).

The last month has been interesting for me. I left off last having given my talk at the university, and so much has happened since then! I’ve made some friends and made Cuernavaca home. I’ve done some travelling, and have also focused on work a lot, building my caseload and learning how to approach clients on this type of platform. I really enjoy it actually…I can create my own schedule and communicate with clients throughout the week. I still need to build up my caseload a bit, but I actually like this way of providing therapy.

Now on to the fun stuff! In November, I went on a trip with the university students to Taxco. I’d been there before in April and LOVED it, and was excited for the chance to go again. I had a great time, and made a friend from Chicago that is staying here for a while! It was great to have a friend to travel around with!! Taxco is such a beautiful city, and it was wonderful to spend time there again. We went to visit the caves nearby, and then walked all the way up to the statue of Jesus (who had his hands replaced!!) to look at the views and definitely get some exercise. Then walked back down to the town center, ate lunch on a terrace, and went to take a lift to the top of the adjacent hill and looked down at all the lights of the city. It was really beautiful (and not at all scary😉). It was great to be there again and remember how much I loved it the first time, and how glad I am that I’m here.

 

The gratitude kept coming for Thanksgiving. The weekend before, I asked for help in organizing Thanksgiving dinner for my “family” here and they graciously obliged! With some help, I made chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, green beans, and pumpkin pie! One of my favorite things is sharing food with others, and I’m so grateful that my family here allowed me to do that. We all went around and said what we were grateful for, and I could not have been happier!!!! I am so truly grateful for the family that I’m staying with. They have been so incredibly kind, and are such beautiful people. I really feel so welcomed, and am amazed at how gracious they are welcoming people into their home. And I frequently think about how lucky I am that I was placed here back in April. I don’t think my experience would have been the same without them, and I’m grateful every day!

For actual Thanksgiving, I planned a trip to Puebla for the weekend. I was SO excited to head out on my first trip alone, overnight, to visit a new city. I was very prepared, with my reservation at a hostel and a few recommendations and not very many other plans besides that!! Sadly, my story takes a turn, and the weekend did not go as planned. I wanted to be adventurous, and so when the waiter brought me crickets on a tortilla chip at the restaurant on Thursday, I was excited to try it! Then came the mole sampler, which was delicious. But one of these things did not agree with me, and I was uncomfortable the rest of the weekend, spending most of Saturday in bed. Another trip to Puebla is in order, as I didn’t get to do everything that I wanted. But I will say this about Puebla…it was so beautiful. The area I was in near the center and the cathedral seemed so lively and fun, and artistry of the city, using a lot of Talavera, was absolutely gorgeous. I bought myself a few Christmas presents from here! I would love to go back and explore more, and experience the energy that I witnessed. I plan on creating an opportunity for myself to do this trip again!

Coming back from Puebla, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t feeling great. I was questioning a lot about why I was here, and if I had the energy and gumption to keep going. Y’all, when you’re in a tight spot, talk to someone!! There was a part of me that wanted to figure things out for myself, but I reached out to a few people who I trusted to talk me through things, and I’m so glad I did!! With as much journaling and processing that I’m doing, there’s still something about talking through things with a friend that just changes everything. And I think that sometimes, we need to STOP thinking and just enjoy the present! (Side note: I’ve been leaning into the meditation thing, and I love it and I’m so not good at it…YET). So that’s what I did!! The weekend was restorative for me in many ways, and I got myself back on track.

Following Puebla, I took a few day trips with my friend from Chicago! We went to Tepoztlán, where I had been before and so was just able to relax and enjoy myself. And then to Xochicalco to walk through some pyramid ruins. The indigenous history is celebrated in this country in such a beautiful way that I’ve never experienced in the US. I know it’s not always like that, and there’s plenty of conflict and prejudice, but even to be able to walk through the remnants of a civilization that existed right here in this continent 1300 years ago was incredible. We learned a little about Native American history in school growing up, but to place such an emphasis on it and learn so much about how the groups interacted with each other, etc, is incredible. There are so many different archeological sites in Mexico, and I’m really interested in visiting more.

So now I’m getting ready to head back to Wisconsin for two weeks for the holidays, and I think I’m in the perfect position. I’m so excited to go back, see my family, and snuggle the pups by the fire. And I’m also so excited to come back, plan more trips, hopefully host some family and friends, and continue my adventure! Hopefully there will be a lot more to share in the coming months! (PS…sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough, and that I’m not taking advantage of my time here. But whoa, have I done a lot in the last 6 weeks…still working on the mindfulness/meditation thing!)

First steps...

Hi friends!

So, I’ve been in Cuernavaca now for just over three weeks. I haven’t written yet because I really haven’t done all that much outside of making this feel like my normal life. I have some observations that I’d like to share, but first I’ll talk about the fun stuff!

I’ve taken a couple days since I’ve been here exploring around Cuernavaca. I went to the Robert Brady museum, ate lunch near the Cathedral, and went to a movie and enjoyed a glass of wine. I spent another day at a small festival celebrating Día de Muertos, and exploring that neighborhood a bit. I have a strong extroverted tendency, so it’s been strange spending so much time by myself, but I’ve chatted with some people along the way. At the same time, it’s been so peaceful and wonderful to enjoy my days in this beautiful country, just soaking in the warm weather, views, and some nature. I can’t wait to explore more.

I’ve also been working on building a normal life here. I went to the market to buy produce and cooked for myself a few times. I took my clothes to the laundromat – then looked for a new laundromat when they forgot my clothes TWICE. I’ve been to a few coffee shops, and have gone to them to do some of my work prepping for my presentation (this is the thing that makes me feel the most normal). I’ve gone for a few runs (lots of hills…not used to it yet) and done yoga quite a bit. I even found a bar I like that serves a lot of Craft Beer, and made a few friends there! All this is making me feel like I could build a life here for a year or so, and I love that feeling!

Now for the deeper stuff😉…

The first is that I think I have never been so focused on my mental health. I have been in therapy for long periods at a time, and definitely worked on my mental health, but it was one thing among many others taking my focus. I only have myself to focus on right now, and that’s been both extremely helpful and difficult at the same time. There’s nowhere to hide from my emotions, so I’ve had to confront them right away. And to seek support from my immediate surroundings, I’ve had to try to express myself in Spanish, adding to the challenge. But it’s also been very helpful. I have journaled more in the last month than I have in my life, and I’m not finding myself confused about how I feel or distracted by other priorities in my life. It’s liberating! What’s been the hardest is just to be patient while things unfold. I am not a naturally patient person, so to remain calm and mindful while waiting for certain things to fall into place has been a challenge. I’ve oscillated between joy, anxiety, loneliness and isolation, love and warmth, independence, peace, support and encouragement, confidence, and pride. I’ve tried to be a sponge just soaking up as much information and experience as I can, while being mindful about how I’m feeling and adjusting to take care of my needs. And so far, I think it’s been going well! I feel VERY good about where I am right now, I’m learning to be patient, but to also ask for/take action to meet my needs.

One huge stressor for me was also the primary reason I came here when I did. I was invited to give a talk at a conference for university students. I had never given a professional talk before, and was feeling insecure professionally. In addition, the talk was to be in Spanish! Much of what I’ve focused on in the last three weeks was working on my presentation, talking with people that gave me suggestions about what to discuss, and feeling anxious about how it would go. I gave my talk on Tuesday this week, and it was amazing! My Spanish could have been better, I could have been more prepared in some areas, I could have done things differently. But I really loved it. I loved sharing my experience. I loved taking a risk and shining some light on a topic that these students didn’t know very much about. And I loved that I could communicate all that in Spanish. I definitely know some things I’d do differently next time, but it was a great experience. And I’m incredibly grateful for the invitation, and for my peers and friends that helped me succeed! I also attended the rest of the conference, and did my best to absorb everything, understand the other talks, and work on my comprehension. It was a wonderful and exhausting two days!

I’m also working again! I started working for Betterhelp, an online counseling platform, which allows users to access mental health services in a way that best fits into their lives. It feels so good to be working again! I didn’t realize how much I missed this in my life, but I think I was feeling like I was in a bubble before, first in Wisconsin and then here, while I was waiting for things to come together. But once they did, I got started with a few clients, then a few more, had a few live sessions, and now it’s beginning to feel normal again. Rebuilding a caseload is interesting, after I’ve been working so long with many of the same people. But I’m feeling more confident by the day, and adjusting to the differences in an online platform. I’d recommend it to colleagues if you’re looking to have some additional income and experience with this type of platform. I’d also recommend the services to any of you or your friends who feel like you might benefit from mental health services, but don’t want to/are not able to go to an office and hour a week.

Thank you for listening, and for giving me so much love and support. This already has been such a formative experience for me, and I know it will continue. I love you all so much, and am so grateful for every call, text, and email checking on me and making me feel like I can do this. Next week I’m headed to Florida for Sean and Robert’s wedding, and I couldn’t be more excited to see some friends!! And then return back to Cuernavaca to begin some travelling and real exploration. I can’t wait to see what the next few months bring, and I will definitely continue to update you along the way.

Also, I’m very sorry for the cold. I am not jealous😉

Love, Becky

PS...if anyone is good at formatting blog posts and can help me fix the layout of the pictures, hit me up!

New Adventures!

It’s about to get real, friends. I might as well be vulnerable and open about my life, and share with you why I’m here in the first place if I’m going to take you on this journey with me. I’m so excited, but also nervous at the challenges this will bring. Thank you for all your love and support along the way.

I don’t really know what to write about. My decision to go on this trip is somewhat thought-out, but it’s more of a gut-decision that I just feel is right at this moment of my life. I used to listen to myself. I used to be confident in my decisions. I used to feel energetic and positive about the future. But at some point, I became unsure of myself. I started to doubt my decisions, and second guess myself in many areas. And felt tired when I thought about my future. I don’t ever remember feeling this much anxiety in college (I don’t think I really knew what anxiety was) and now I’m always overthinking and stressing about different things. Not only work, but many other aspects of my life, were leading me to feel unfulfilled and searching for a sense of worth, energy, and engagement.

I knew I needed to make a change, but I was scared. And any of the easy decisions didn’t feel right or weren’t sufficient enough to make a change (go to therapy, change jobs, exercise and eat well, etc.) All of these things would help me feel a little better, but it was time to make a big change. But I was scared. I wasn’t sure if I could do it, and I didn’t know where to start. And I honestly don’t remember when this journey – the idea of moving abroad – really became reality. But at the beginning of 2019, I was ready to start making a change. I began planning my first trip to Mexico through a language program. I would go by myself, but it would be structured, and I could count on the program to take me on excursions, to make friends, and ease through the program without it being too intense. So in April, I took off to my language program in Cuernavaca, Morelos, Mexico. I chose it based on a recommendation from a friend. To say my expectations were met would be incorrect. I was the only student in my level, I stayed by myself with a host family, and there were no excursions through the school because it wasn’t a very popular time to be doing this program. All of my “safety nets” were gone, and I couldn’t skate by. I didn’t have a choice but to put myself out there, and I still am so amazed with myself (humble brag?) that I rose to the challenge. I had been so down for a while, and I was very uncomfortable and vulnerable, but I asked questions, planned trips, and got the information I needed to travel, explore, and develop relationships with people who I was scared to communicate with. My Spanish, while still intermediate, was enough for me to not just get by, but to really dive into the experience.

The people I met and spent time with, and the places I visited, brought me so much more energy and positivity. I knew I had to make a more permanent change in order to repair some of the ways that I was feeling broken in my life. It was a while until I took really action toward change, but I began thinking about what I wanted to do next. I started to think about my timeline, knowing my lease would end by the end of August. But the real test came when I was offered a promotion at work in July. Turning down that job was the first real step toward making a big change. I solidified my timeline regarding work and moving out, and decided to move home to Wisconsin for a bit in order to get ready to make my next steps. I still didn’t have a solid plan yet, so it seemed like a good idea to take a break.

And just to be clear, that was a WONDERFUL idea. I got to spend time with people that I hadn’t seen in a while or I don’t get to see very often. I went camping, exercised, spent quality time with friends and family, and planned my next steps. I also did A LOT of second-guessing about my decisions because, which was not ideal, but my reality. And finally BOOKED A FLIGHT. After that, I felt much more confident moving forward. However, I still didn’t know what exactly I should do next. But that’s the great thing about time and conversations. Through talking out some of my motivations and interests with some great friends, I was able to come to sort through some uncertainties, and develop a more concrete plan. I will spend a month or two in Cuernavaca before heading off to other parts of the country to do some exploring. I’d love to see other parts of Mexico, and I’m not quite ready for a regular job. I’m excited to have the flexibility to visit places and enjoy my time there.

So here I am, on my way to Mexico City, armed with so much love and support from my incredible family and friends, ready to challenge myself in completely new ways and rediscover my energetic and confident self. I will be updating folks along the way, and I look forward to seeing some of you when you visit! Adios for now!