It's time.

Today is the day I was supposed to leave Mexico. Due to the pandemic, my flight was changed to this Thursday. But it seems fitting to take today to reflect on my experience here as a whole, and what leaving means for me. In my head, I’ve formulated lots of different blog posts, even sat down to write one, over the last few weeks, but I’ve been emotionally torn. I’ve wanted to push away reality, put my phone away and just be in the garden, enjoying the sun and breeze. But I’ve also been angry, concerned, distraught, and appalled at what was going on back home. I’m going to focus on the past and present first, and then address my future.

The last eight months in Mexico has been one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It’s been a time of massive personal growth, and I’ve confronting and dealt with emotions that I never really wanted to deal with before. The therapeutic idea that I keep coming back to over and over again is distress tolerance. I don’t think I was very good at it before. I didn’t want to sit in discomfort, but rather find someone to take that discomfort away. But here, there was nowhere to go. I could hide out in my room, and sometimes that is what I did, but ultimately in order to make this work, I had to learn to tolerate the discomfort, and not let it dictate my actions for me. I learned to tolerate being confused, feeling out of place, being misunderstood and misunderstanding others, feeling intrusive, and feeling lonely. None of these feelings went away throughout my time here, but they stopped controlling me, and they no longer had as much power. I could more easily shift to address the feeling rather than let it control me. This is the mental lesson that I most want to take with me…that I can tolerate difficult things.

I’m so glad I was able to tolerate this discomfort, because the things that opened up to me when I did are things that I will never be able to replace. I’ve built so many relationships here, Beginning at home, with Tere. I’m so grateful that I ended up at her home over a year ago when I came here for the first time. When I think about why things happen as they happen, and how much of a blessing a small, insignificant decision can be, this is my number 1 example. There was not one other student like me in the 8 months I’ve been here, and it seems it’s not all that common for her to host short-term students. But the three weeks I was here last year, that was not the case. And just in that time, I knew I would be back, and that this relationship was something special. In the last three months, it’s been just the two of us at the house. Everyone was staying home as they were told, and it gave us a chance to really get to know each other better. We celebrated Mother’s Day and my birthday together, just the two of us, and I’m incredibly grateful that I have gotten to know such a beautiful soul who was willing to entertain my random ideas and gently teach me more about Mexican cooking, customs, and language.

Another relationship that I couldn’t be more grateful for is Tere’s son Jorge. Since I’ve come the first time, he was always so willing to help and guide, and offer suggestions about where to go and what to do. When I came back in October, we got to spend even more time together, and he was a strong support, first as a mentor, then a friend, and now a spiritual guide as well😉 He entertained my idea to have Thanksgiving dinner at the house, and helped buy and cook everything! And since then he’s been one of my favorite people to spend time with! I’m so glad we were able to spend a little more time together that quarantine wasn’t allowing for such a long time, and that I have a little more peace moving forward thanks for to a tarot card reading that he gifted me😊

There’s so much more, as well. The other family members that came in and out of the house, people in the community that I was able to get to know a little bit, various other locals when I travelled…I’ve felt so welcome the whole time I’ve been here. And its been a truly incredible experience seeing the most beautiful parts of a culture, country, history, and life. I don’t have a clear idea of what’s next for me, and there’s a lot more I wanted to do in my “sabbatical,” but it wasn’t in the cards this time around. One thing that I’m confident about though, is that I’m not done. I think this whole experience taught me that I really can do anything I want.

As I move forward, an area that I feel I’m beginning to explore and that I’m still looking to expand on, is my spiritual growth. I’m beginning to explore my connection to the people and things around me. I’ve done this through yoga and mindfulness meditation, exploring my own connection with my physical self, and surpassing the mind to explore what my Self really needs. But I’ve only scratched the surface, and it’s something that I now feel I have a few tools to continue to address. (Si hablas español, puedes seguir White Horus Tarot en Facebook por mas información😊) This spiritual work is coming to me among a backdrop of civil and social unrest in the country that I will now be returning to. I think it will be harder, but definitely more important, to maintain and continue to develop the spiritual work that I’ve begun. To continue to work on myself, and how I can best serve the causes that I care about the most. On any given day in regular life in the US, it can be hard for me to remain centered and grounded, and not the let the mind and it’s many intrusive and resistant thoughts get in the way of my true goals. And now, amid so much conflict, it will likely be more difficult.

The way I see it, and obviously this might change, is that I have about 4 months at home before things open up for potential international travel. At least at the end of 4 months, I’ll know more about what the future could potentially look like as far as travel is concerned. This is still my main priority. I have a job right now that I do very much enjoy and I still don’t feel ready to find a more mainstream position. I love the flexibility and freedom this gives me to travel, explore, and learn more about myself in the process. Ultimately, I just don’t feel like I’m done with Mexico just yet. I want to go back to Oaxaca, I still want to travel in the south of the country, and maybe I want to visit other countries as well, at least for a vacation! Regardless of what happens next, I’m preparing myself to go home to educate myself more fully on what’s going on in my country right now. I’ve gone quiet on social media because I don’t feel that it’s my platform to talk about progressive reform…I’d rather have these conversations in person. However, it doesn’t feel right to take up space with my own trivial things when I’d rather leave space for other voices to be heard. I’ve already been invited to a book club where we’ll be starting with The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. I’m also going to be looking to see what the library has in the way of furthering my education on issues of white privilege and racism, and how the police system contributes to ongoing systemic racism. If anyone would like to read with me, discuss these topics with me, or has suggestions of reading material/research that they’ve found helpful or enlightening, I’m more than willing to have these conversations and do this homework. I’d very much like to practice having productive, educational conversations in which we are able to listen to each other and understand the other’s concerns.

Ultimately, this transition is one that I’m anxiously anticipating. I’ve learned a lot about myself, independently and in relation to other people, and I’m going to have a chance to prove these lessons to myself, likely repeatedly. This is a bittersweet transition, but it’s time. And I finally have some resolution with that! Thanks for listening, right now and to all of the adventures I’ve been posting about. There will be more to come! I can’t wait to see you all soon. Love, Becky